Where do you live

The fiance and I are getting married in a church here in Morgantown. We originally had these grand visions of an outdoor wedding (I was hoping to maybe do it at Unadilla or something, and maybe even have the groomsmen ride down the aisle on bikes, you know, something really classy) but in the end, it was just too hard to get that together. A church has all the elements: looks decent in photos, good parking, places to sit, even comes with a guy who can do the whole marrying part.

God knows all, but even the secretary at the place had to be suspicious of our motives. Oh, you coincidentally are all into this church thing at the same time you're getting married? Really?

The church wasn't going to make it that easy. As a requirement, they enrolled in this couple's counseling deal. They told us the counseling helps to determine what parts of the marriage we had to work on. But we were afraid the "counseling" was really just a way to snuff us out. Were we really getting married here for religious reasons, or did we just want a place with nice windows and a built in sound system?

We were really worried for the first meeting, and our fears where confirmed when the Reverend brought out this standardized test for us to fill out. It was just like the tests you took in high school - multiple choice questions, fill out the circle with a number two pencil. We've both been through this drill before. But the SATs never had a question this hard:

#9. Describe your living situation:

A) Alone
B) With roomate
C) With parents
D) With partner

How do you answer this in church? The correct answer is D, but that's living in sin. I could answer A and she could answer B, because a few months ago that was the case. But would they know we're lying? This is God we're talking to!

So I dug deep into the memory banks of such tests. I've been stuck for an answer before. How did I used to get out of this? Cheat! So I figured I would just skip that question, give the Fiance time to answer it, and then glance over at her paper and copy it. So I waited. A minute later I looked over. Dammit, she had left it blank as well

The Reverend was watching us closely through this process, and he surely noticed we both somehow decided to skip the most basic question on earth: Where do you live? Who can't answer this question???

Earlier in the session, the Reverend had asked for our address, so I felt things out and said "Hey, she's moving some stuff in slowly, should I just put the same address for both of us? Doesn't that make things easier?" The Rev. agreed and on we went. So I took the plunge and answered D) with partner. Whew.

The problem was, I looked back over and the Fiance had answered B) with roomate. Dammit!

When the Rev. had his back turned, I slyly began erasing my answer and switching it over to A) alone, so it would match her B) with roomate response. But that damn no. 2 pencil wouldn't erase. Now I had a giant smudge on the paper, proof that I couldn't even answer the most basic question on earth.

Surely the church wasn't pumped about people living in sin. Surely they would be even less pumped over liars living in sin. But now, we were liars living in sin who didn't even agree with each other. Might as well just apply for the divorce papers right now.

O'Crap

Blogandt Note: This post was written last night while waiting for my flight out of an airport. I'm still mad, so I'm still posting it.

One tip for travelers: NEVER fly into or through Chicago’s O’Hare airport. Fly around it at all costs. A hub airport in a cold city just doesn’t work in January, and as a result I’m stranded here again. For whatever reason it also happens to be very windy in Chicago—who knew?—and yes I have had flights delayed due to high winds. By the way, the big buildings in downtown Chicago all use revolving doors to keep out the winter super-draft. Does that sound like a good city to travel through in winter?

Worse, O’Hare isn’t even one of those cool airports that you wouldn’t mind getting stranded in, like the one I just left in Phoenix, or the home airport in Pittsburgh, or that island with magical powers on Lost. And this is coming from me, someone who actually likes airports, planes, seats on planes, sleeping on planes and the general concept of flying and traveling in general. The O’Hare motto here should be, “If you hate flying, you’ll really hate flying out of O’Hare.”

How bad is O’hare? Well, food choices are limited, but you’re forced to eat here since you will inevitably be delayed. I had to eat TWO McDonald’s meals in 24 hours, which means I’ve already gone over my McDonald’s limit for 2008, and it’s still January. And to add insult to injury, you have to pay extra for your McDonald’s meal since you’re in such a great airport (the same meal in Pittsburgh is $1.08 less). I could have sat down for a decent meal at Chili’s next door, but I was afraid I wouldn’t make my flight and hence needed fast food. And of course, three hours later, I’m still at the airport. If I’m here much longer, I may become not only the billionth, but also the 1 billion and 543^rd served at the O’Hare McD’s.

O’Hare is crowded. You’re constantly bumping into people because the gates and hallways are way too tight compared to the crowds. Adding more lanes will never help the traffic out West, but it does indeed help in the airports--Phoenix had hallways twice this wide. Walking through O’Hare, I felt like Tony Romo being tracked down by NY Giants linemen on Sunday—or paparazzi the weekend before.

Two times I have been moved toward writing a letter to Chicago’s city planners. When you get near O’Hare, you’ll find the airport and rental car facilities, but no gas stations in which to fill your rental before returning it. The gas station you need actually comes a few miles up the interstate at the “Oasis,” but you wouldn’t know that since there are no signs that say “last gas before airport.” So instead you do what you do in every other city, which is look a gas station near the rental places, expect you will never find one here since they don’t have any. And you drive, and drive, and drive as your flight time looms closer and your rental’s tank gets emptier.

But beware jumping on the interstate roads near the airport, because there are tons of tolls, and some of the exits are the cool kind that require you to have exact change. You know when you dump all your change into your luggage at the airport because you can’t walk through the metal detectors with it? Well, you better get it back out and put it in your pocket, because you’re not getting back on the interstate here if you don’t have exactly 35 cents.

I’m especially pumped because I have to come here twice this week (and neither time for a layover that I would have never booked myself on). I need to make two stops in Chicago this week for TV voice over work (the AMA/Toyota Arenacross Series returns to Speed!) which means there’s a good chance I’ll get stuck here again on Thursday, which may delay my entry into LAX for Anaheim.

And again, I actually LIKE traveling and like my job and this sport. In fact, I can’t believe we’ve begun the fourth season of blogging here and this is my first column about airport complaints. That’s what makes me the most angry about O’Hare—it turns me into someone who complains about flying and airports.

The only good news? I can’t post this thing because O’Hare charges good money to get on the internet. And I won’t give them the satisfaction of making money from my desire to complain about them.

Uh Oh, Better Get Maico

So here's a news gem about 1970's German marque Maico attempting to make a comeback. Click here to read.

The article waxes on about how impressive the line will be, but take one look at the photo above and tell me how effective (or even affective) this line will be. Hmmmmm.....is that a big two stroke pipe sticking out? Does that body work and chassis bring back memories of Pearl Jam and chatting on America On Line i.e. the 90's?

I would put more faith in BMW's new 450 than this 500 two-stroke. Although, take that with a grain of salt because MXA recently did a test of a CR500 versus a CRF450 and found that if the 500 two-stroke was in a modern chassis it may have been the better bike....

low go!

Check out Chad "diez" Johnson's jersey from Arenacross. Can you get any more stickers and logos on there? He looks like someone who has to wear a plan 'ol white back brace for a few months and covers it with as many motocross stickers as possible.