Tuesday, June 24

Where do you live

The fiance and I are getting married in a church here in Morgantown. We originally had these grand visions of an outdoor wedding (I was hoping to maybe do it at Unadilla or something, and maybe even have the groomsmen ride down the aisle on bikes, you know, something really classy) but in the end, it was just too hard to get that together. A church has all the elements: looks decent in photos, good parking, places to sit, even comes with a guy who can do the whole marrying part.

God knows all, but even the secretary at the place had to be suspicious of our motives. Oh, you coincidentally are all into this church thing at the same time you're getting married? Really?

The church wasn't going to make it that easy. As a requirement, they enrolled in this couple's counseling deal. They told us the counseling helps to determine what parts of the marriage we had to work on. But we were afraid the "counseling" was really just a way to snuff us out. Were we really getting married here for religious reasons, or did we just want a place with nice windows and a built in sound system?

We were really worried for the first meeting, and our fears where confirmed when the Reverend brought out this standardized test for us to fill out. It was just like the tests you took in high school - multiple choice questions, fill out the circle with a number two pencil. We've both been through this drill before. But the SATs never had a question this hard:

#9. Describe your living situation:

A) Alone
B) With roomate
C) With parents
D) With partner

How do you answer this in church? The correct answer is D, but that's living in sin. I could answer A and she could answer B, because a few months ago that was the case. But would they know we're lying? This is God we're talking to!

So I dug deep into the memory banks of such tests. I've been stuck for an answer before. How did I used to get out of this? Cheat! So I figured I would just skip that question, give the Fiance time to answer it, and then glance over at her paper and copy it. So I waited. A minute later I looked over. Dammit, she had left it blank as well

The Reverend was watching us closely through this process, and he surely noticed we both somehow decided to skip the most basic question on earth: Where do you live? Who can't answer this question???

Earlier in the session, the Reverend had asked for our address, so I felt things out and said "Hey, she's moving some stuff in slowly, should I just put the same address for both of us? Doesn't that make things easier?" The Rev. agreed and on we went. So I took the plunge and answered D) with partner. Whew.

The problem was, I looked back over and the Fiance had answered B) with roomate. Dammit!

When the Rev. had his back turned, I slyly began erasing my answer and switching it over to A) alone, so it would match her B) with roomate response. But that damn no. 2 pencil wouldn't erase. Now I had a giant smudge on the paper, proof that I couldn't even answer the most basic question on earth.

Surely the church wasn't pumped about people living in sin. Surely they would be even less pumped over liars living in sin. But now, we were liars living in sin who didn't even agree with each other. Might as well just apply for the divorce papers right now.

17 Comments:

avidchimp said...

Best column yet Jason. Man how I DON"T miss those days!!

Clash said...

Donna and I really enjoyed that one. You and the future wife are two of our favorite sinners.

Anonymous said...

That was funny!!

Mitch said...

Elope. It's the best way to go. Then come back and have a kick ass party/reception. The wedding should be for you and your lady friend, not your parents or anyone else.

That's how me and the ole lady did it!

latron!
Mitch Youts

Anonymous said...

Listen to Mitch!! ELOPE!!!! Just have a big Outdoor Party!

Anonymous said...

Weege, I am in the same boat as you brother. Started "donating" to the chuurch 2 months before we asked if we could get married there. Went to the marriage class and stretched the truth a little in hopes that they would still except 2 sinners who spend their Sunday at the track and not in god's house. As for the wedding, I tried to push the elope thing but females need the big wedding like I need the smell of 2-stroke in the morning.............

Spice said...

YOu should've kept it real, and forgo the church.

Matthes said...

Or you could've done it like the way I did. Have a renewable work visa and then suddenly, without explanation get turned down for it.
Have your employer suspend you because you're now illegal to work in the USA, go home to your girlfriend and say that you have to get married, plan everything in a week, go to the beach with some friend of a friend that supposedly can marry people, and get it done with the TWMX editor shooting your wedding pictures. Give each of them 150 bucks and go straight to Anaheim stadium and start work again!

Good times...

Anonymous said...

Man, you guys didn't plan ahead well enough. Mom just told me in advance to lie about everything! And we weren't even living together or...errr....anything else, (if you know what I mean....)

Dad

Daniel said...

The counseling thing isn't that bad really. They are right, it helps to sniff out potential problem areas for when you "live together for real." For instance, when my wife and I went through counsel, we discovered that we preferred the toilet paper to unroll in different ways. Neither of us was willing to change that. Turns out that may be why her grandparents have always had a double dispensing roller with rolls going in opposite directions!! Well I won that battle, she conceaded and the paper rolls my way. See the counseling isn't all bad. You might get your way once too!!!

Anonymous said...

If it weren't for sinners The Church would be empty,and if everyone was perfect we wouldn't need churchs at all. Honesty is always the best way to go. Good luck in the future, but things don't go as planned might not hurt to look up the church again and get alittle counseling.

steve said...

haha, funny... congrats and good luck...

Shenzi Rubani said...

Very cool news and funny one. Congrats!

Anonymous said...

How do you know the pastor doesn't read your blog? You'd better hope he doesn't google you!

Anonymous said...

JUST for the record, I was going to tell the truth!! Then Jason starts in on the bit about me moving my stuff in, which had been moved in for months, and I thought 'well, I guess we're lying about this!' Then, I was still going to answer 'living with partner' but I cheated and saw that Jason had marked living alone - except he hadn't really - I was looking at the wrong question - oops. So then I put "living with roomie" forcing Jason to put "living alone." So not only are we liars living in sin - we're INEPT liars living in sin. I agree with "Dad", we should've planned our stories ahead of time ;-)

HSGIED now called Fiance

Anonymous said...

That was sooooooo funny. I hope your church realizes you are very religious- You go to the races every Sunday. :o

IndianDunser

Jason Weigandt said...

HSCGIED now Fiance,
Baby, just like that one guy said, we had better hope the Rev. doesn't look up the blog on Google. This will even worse then when I wrote about MotoBowl!