The Man Friend- Part 1

I’m not a handy man. I’m not a DIYer. I don’t care about appliances, home electronics home theaters, lighting patterns, paint, fabrics or décor. A nice looking house doesn’t make me smarter or more successful in life, but it does make me poorer. I can cope without making myself comfortable—if the house has enough heat to survive, a bed and appliances that work, what more do I really need? Honestly, I’m such a non-house guy that I probably shouldn’t have bought one. But they make a good investment, so here I am on Buxton Lane in Morgantown.

I bought the house two years ago strictly as an investment. I didn’t want to have to fix stuff when it broke, but my hope was that a house would fit my travel schedule: as long as I didn’t spend any actual time in the house and didn’t use anything in it, nothing would break. Then somewhere down the line I would sell the place in "as new" condition and make a mint. Plus by then Morgantown would finally become as big and popular a town as all the locals lead you to believe it will be, especially once that new Super Duper “Extreme” Full Throttle Wal-Mart opened up near by. Add the Mountaineers winning the National Championship this year in NCAA football and I would be a rich man.

Unfortunately it doesn't work that way. First some guy made a movie proclaiming that Wal-Mart actually hurts the value of property around it. Then stuff started breaking at the house even when I wasn't there-- the gutters that wore out because, apparently they had to keep on guttering even when I was out in California at a supercross. I trashed the carpet one time when the hose that carries water from the washer broke and flooded the place, all just a few hours before I had to catch a flight to Paris, leaving me without enough time to actually dry anything. Later, I trashed the carpet again when I tried fixing a plumbing leak without turning off the water first. It became clear that my troubles weren’t just limited to not having the time to fix stuff—apparently I sucked at fixing stuff ever when I did have the time to do it. The life of a nomad meant weekend projects were history, and without any practice the very handy few skills I had were now completely diminished. It was like Shaq sucking at foul shots even when he used to practice them, and then just sucking even worse when he decided he had better things to do.

The 2007 travel schedule was going to be worse than ever, and now all of the house projects were about to be two years overdue. What's a man to do when he can't be the man of his own house?

He hires a man friend.

Yup. That's what I did. Got myself a man friend for the last six months, and it has worked out brilliantly. Stay tuned for the story.