O'Crap

Blogandt Note: This post was written last night while waiting for my flight out of an airport. I'm still mad, so I'm still posting it.

One tip for travelers: NEVER fly into or through Chicago’s O’Hare airport. Fly around it at all costs. A hub airport in a cold city just doesn’t work in January, and as a result I’m stranded here again. For whatever reason it also happens to be very windy in Chicago—who knew?—and yes I have had flights delayed due to high winds. By the way, the big buildings in downtown Chicago all use revolving doors to keep out the winter super-draft. Does that sound like a good city to travel through in winter?

Worse, O’Hare isn’t even one of those cool airports that you wouldn’t mind getting stranded in, like the one I just left in Phoenix, or the home airport in Pittsburgh, or that island with magical powers on Lost. And this is coming from me, someone who actually likes airports, planes, seats on planes, sleeping on planes and the general concept of flying and traveling in general. The O’Hare motto here should be, “If you hate flying, you’ll really hate flying out of O’Hare.”

How bad is O’hare? Well, food choices are limited, but you’re forced to eat here since you will inevitably be delayed. I had to eat TWO McDonald’s meals in 24 hours, which means I’ve already gone over my McDonald’s limit for 2008, and it’s still January. And to add insult to injury, you have to pay extra for your McDonald’s meal since you’re in such a great airport (the same meal in Pittsburgh is $1.08 less). I could have sat down for a decent meal at Chili’s next door, but I was afraid I wouldn’t make my flight and hence needed fast food. And of course, three hours later, I’m still at the airport. If I’m here much longer, I may become not only the billionth, but also the 1 billion and 543^rd served at the O’Hare McD’s.

O’Hare is crowded. You’re constantly bumping into people because the gates and hallways are way too tight compared to the crowds. Adding more lanes will never help the traffic out West, but it does indeed help in the airports--Phoenix had hallways twice this wide. Walking through O’Hare, I felt like Tony Romo being tracked down by NY Giants linemen on Sunday—or paparazzi the weekend before.

Two times I have been moved toward writing a letter to Chicago’s city planners. When you get near O’Hare, you’ll find the airport and rental car facilities, but no gas stations in which to fill your rental before returning it. The gas station you need actually comes a few miles up the interstate at the “Oasis,” but you wouldn’t know that since there are no signs that say “last gas before airport.” So instead you do what you do in every other city, which is look a gas station near the rental places, expect you will never find one here since they don’t have any. And you drive, and drive, and drive as your flight time looms closer and your rental’s tank gets emptier.

But beware jumping on the interstate roads near the airport, because there are tons of tolls, and some of the exits are the cool kind that require you to have exact change. You know when you dump all your change into your luggage at the airport because you can’t walk through the metal detectors with it? Well, you better get it back out and put it in your pocket, because you’re not getting back on the interstate here if you don’t have exactly 35 cents.

I’m especially pumped because I have to come here twice this week (and neither time for a layover that I would have never booked myself on). I need to make two stops in Chicago this week for TV voice over work (the AMA/Toyota Arenacross Series returns to Speed!) which means there’s a good chance I’ll get stuck here again on Thursday, which may delay my entry into LAX for Anaheim.

And again, I actually LIKE traveling and like my job and this sport. In fact, I can’t believe we’ve begun the fourth season of blogging here and this is my first column about airport complaints. That’s what makes me the most angry about O’Hare—it turns me into someone who complains about flying and airports.

The only good news? I can’t post this thing because O’Hare charges good money to get on the internet. And I won’t give them the satisfaction of making money from my desire to complain about them.